I now understand how apathy can be a weapon. Imagine having Invisible Woman’s power.
You can see through everyone yet have a powerful shield to deflect whatever they have
for/against you. Problem is they can easily see through me. I am too flowery to be a wallflower.
I had a mini panic attack while on a bus to work. I don’t mean that metaphorically.
I experienced what it was like to be panting for breath, wanting to get out and run away,
begging my brain not to give up on my sanity, and tearing up without any specific reason.
In a public bus. Just this sudden knifing of fear. It was scary.
And I was conscious the whole time.
Like watching myself on an astral plane. At that moment is when I learned about
what I fear most – losing my mind (Dementophobia). I can almost
picture it to be like a Matrix scene where you can’t distinguish reality. I shall never touch any
hallucinogenic drug. No, I did not take any, but this will be a reminder that I can’t handle
anything that involves distortion of reality. I mean how can I? My reality is too dysfunctional
to begin with.
Analyzing that previous phobic encounter, it was triggered by lack of sleep, sudden
existential questioning, and that Mark Wahlberg movie Lone Survivor which was playing
on the bus. This film in turn reminded me of American Sniper. I then pictured myself how
hard it was to be exposed to a terrifying environment like war, with death as a common sight.
Funny you will say how shallow the trigger was, but I have been going through this train of
thought a lot. I am psychoanalyzing the shit out of this ‘cause no one will do that for me.
Plus I have been keeping a lot of thoughts to myself. I don’t even talk much in the office.
So unlike me.
I learned the hard way that you have to test the waters before plunging in.
Here I am, 34 and gullible
that colleagues will take the drift of my humor and truths. I know better now.
Know better? Haha here you are exposing yourself to the world again.
I wish my brain is septic tank where you can flush out and drain whatever’s inside.
Peryodiko’s Bakasyon plays loudly in my imaginary radio.
But getting out in the city isn’t the solution.
It just blinds you with different scenery. Never does it dull reality.
Sometimes I want to explain to my band that
we need to record more. I am slowly deteriorating,
and I want all these nagging verses out of my system.
This is my sole therapy.
I can imagine them raising their eyebrows or
shaking their heads, thinking that I am trying
to adapt a fake local Brian Wilson story.
You can’t blame them.
I once told my drummer
that I felt like Cobain
with the struggle to stay punk and genuine
and that burning desire to be popular.
He didn’t buy it. That’s me being too
flowery again in his book.
Pisces.
I just want to write and sing more.
There’s this overwhelming urge to keep creating.
I have been devoting my time to fleshing out
all these restless ideas in my hypothalamus, but I can feel my band slowly
losing trust. Yes there are other priorities.
Yes there are other factors that should be given attention to.
But how can this task be too difficult if this is what redeems you to the world?
It pulls me down when I feel people who once believe in your vision losing the plot.
All they can see is the surface. Again, who can blame them?
Life happens as the cliche goes.
I am not Cobain. I am not Wilson. I shan’t feel that way.
I question my faith in God often. I am fascinated with His word. His story.
I have felt His presence.
But I have been to numb that I somehow question my judgment.
Are His words even applicable to my fear of going mental?
I mean they can’t say I am just possessed by demons, can they?
Hope no one will do a Conjuring on me. That would be a stupid local adaptation.
I stand by love. I will forever stand by love.
People will always have that momentary desire
to see blood, but that is a tiny lapse in judgment.
Whatever your belief is, don’t let any event turn you against love.
That Orlando tragedy gave an opening to some friends to openly blame religion.
That saddens me a lot.
You can go philosophical and dig up some Vatican or Jewish bullshit,
but it will never be an answer.
It’s like saying we should stop living in “countries” because it is a sort of division.
Terrorists are winning not because the death toll is rising,
but because confusion and fear are being sparked everywhere.
This is the real division, not religion.
Don’t be a perpetrator of hate.
Don’t be a living casualty.
I have been thinking too much. But what else can I do?
