an argument with my demons

Things that got to me last week:

That this blog site is becoming a public confessional. 

That’s OK. I need sympathy. I find it really unfortunate that people choose to pour their hearts out in a page then keep it like they're Marcos’ hidden treasures. The point you write is for sanity, and sometimes sanity can be redeem by sincere ears (or in this case, eyes). We all want someone to just take it all in for us.

I am proud to say that I can thoroughly accept that I need the attention. I don't want to fake it. Number one to big realizations.

Number two isn't a big revalation: I am a jealous lover.

And though there’s a romantic notion always chained to that feeling, I assure you that high school kids got it good. It won’t be funny anymore when you are older, you see. And jealousy encompasses all relationships. And where I am going with this, I don’t know. I just want to say that it is a real serious emotion.

One can easily point out insecurity as the main culprit, and he/she may be right. But who isn’t insecure? I find it baffling that there are people who are too secure, it is almost unworldly.  That’s a real problem right there. That’s one thing I don’t agree in church – calling out insecurities as if it’s a big disease. Well it may be is, but it is what makes you human.

Because we all have that. Like that artificial heart that serves as the main breathing apparatus for Iron Man, it is a rather unfortunate fault to your perfect world. Maybe how you project it is what we should be mindful of.

I have been trying to exorcize my demons. To people who knows me, they may not actually see it, but I am in the process of doing so. And somehow it gets in the way of trying to fix relationships.

It hurts me to see close friends not accept what I am feeling or going through when I openly spill it, and eventually take it against me – resulting to bigger catastrophes. But who can blame ‘em – everyone got demons to chase. I just wish mine can coexist with their fiends.

I mentioned this to Eric days ago, and I still know, without raising the flag of egoistical bullshit, that this is true: our band is like a marriage of four individuals. It is harder than a real marriage ‘cause you have 3 minds to please, secure, understand and live with. Everyone needs assurance. Everyone. You know you are in the right relationship if you don’t get tired of taming each other’s fears.

Oh wait, you’ll get tired – we are humans after all - but the connection and your children (songs) are too deep and special, you won’t even think of leaving. 

And I assure you, this isn’t idealistic. Insecurities will abound, but heck, that’s part of the ride. Main advice I think is not keep it wrapped up. And not take the imperfections as something to convince yourself that what you have isn’t special anymore. 

I am being general now, but I guess being in so many bands, so many f**ked up relationships and one bad marriage, I can safely say I am slowly figuring out the recipe:

commitment. and communication.

That is number 3.

It may sound too cliché, and too dramatic, and it is actually. That’s what confessionals are for. I’ll try to talk about something else to break the mood. Hmmm.

About Time is such a special movie. I cried hard. Mawhi cried too. It isn’t a love story like what I expected it to be. It was light-hearted, but just hits the right spots. I really have a big weakness for stories about fathers being expressive to their loved ones. Richard Curtis has a gift of storytelling. He also got me with Love, Actually.

I was taught to remind myself about the blessing I have to beat the blues.

Well, here goes: I have a great band and I am excited to record new songs. Just got in a new label, which means it won't be long 'til the world hear our masterpiece. I got Mawhi who seems to never get tired laughing at my clumsiness and geeky jokes. I have wonderful kids whose smile means the world to me. I have a well-paying job. I even got free passes to The National concert and 7107 (which I opt not to attend) last week.

But friends, where are you, real friends?

I wish I can write a song about this, but I am too busy. and blank. You see, demons…