I notice I am still not comfortable sleeping over. I get suffocated even just thinking about it. Even when I visit friends and there is chance to just stay, I would find myself panicking inside.
I realized I am not over the trauma caused by Mawhi.
No I dont want to get back with her — as if that's possible. But I get this big wave of jealousy that she got over me quick and found a safe space with another guy. I refuse to acknowledge that that guy is better pffft. It just another mistake waiting to happen.
But I guess that feeling of being contented with the imperfections of it all - that what this envy is for. And I admit it - I was the loser in that relationship.
I miss just having plans of staying over and doing nothing but a movie. Then wild sex. Then sleep. Then looking forward to another breakfast with good coffee. Then another movie. Or playing guitar with her doing her stuff. Then cunningulus.
It is just plain boredom in wes anderson hue. I miss having someone to go home to.
And though I have been trying to connect with someone, the uncertainty of that future just kills the vibe.
It is just sad to be alone.
