Wish I Was Dead

 Fatherhood is hard.

I tried so hard to be the best I can be, but I guess the best can't rival the always present. 

Sometimes I wonder what Art really feels about me. What will she say when I die? I realized she is getting the bad end of daddy issues, and it is surprising to me as she was considered my favorite by others. At some point, she was. She was naturally clingy and sweet. Now even a song I wrote about her did not get any love after I let her hear it. I feel like I am always chasing an elusive love, and it crushes my soul.

She always held my father-in-law in high regard and though he was a good and loving man (I deeply respect him), Art didn't really get to live with him until his last days. And yet, she hurts for him and give him the most loving tributes. 

That's what became of me — wishing to be dead just to get the same adoration. 

Missing Art

 Just got in my transient room 15 minutes ago. Was with my kids in this tribute gig for The Strokes and Arctic Monkeys. 

Music. That is what will make young. That is one connection with my kids. Their mom may be a painter and now more popular, but I hope they know that the restless spirit to express comes from me. I hope they know. I hope they are thankful.

I feel Art getting farther from me. But I am taming my reactions as it may be just an aftershock of puberty. I just miss her clinginess.

Her little body trying to guard the gate so I won't leave for Manila.

Her choosing to join me in hotel accooms to sleep beside me during getaways and gigs. 

Her not wanting to put my forgotten shirt in the laundry because she misses and loves my scent. 

Now I feel like I am trying hard to earn a spot on her life. 

I just hope she can see the value I place in fatherhood. 

I know I am away. I know I am far. Just want to feel that my kids can feel proud of what I offer as a person and as a father. 

I hope. 

On a Bus to Manila

 I notice I am still afraid to be alone with my thoughts. 

Now that I am in a bus, I feel vulnerable. Nowhere to go. Numbing my fear with stand-up specials. What if my CP's battery gets drained? I feel like crying. 

That narcissist really did a number on me.

 Worst part is I let her. I know I have nothing to gain. Can't really be free. Still alone. Can't even brag about her or I'll look like a fool. Nowhere to go. Yet I stayed, just in hope that we will recapture the spark. 

I feel like I grew older by like 10 years instead of 3. And though I have the confidence, I admit fearing that I will never be happy with someone for the rest of my life. 

Sob Fest 2024

 I watch Jesus movies and open the bible app to trigger a sob fest. I do need it when I feel like I am so lonely, I have no direction, and I am going to explode. At least I can rely on faith that someone up there is taking care of me.

Care. I need that.

The alternative would be talking to my kids, but that has a running time of one hour til I became a blabbermouth without anything exciting to say. 

I miss what I had with Mary. 

The comfort. The solitude. 

The boringness of having a plan to stay indoors. To be with someone I can be comfortable with, even showing my imperfections without the worry of being condemned.

I miss being loved wholeheartedly. 

I miss being someone worthy to be loved.

Because of this emptiness, I am always secondguessing my identity and legacy. 

It has been 4 years and I have not regain my confidence back in who I am and what I offer in art. 

I wish I can be better.

I am tired of being a patient.

Redemption?

 Thinking of killing myself again. 

Think about it: a narcissistic man killing himself out of spite for himself.

I am crying at my own imaginary funeral.

Who will miss me? 

Who will take care of my cats?

What will Dylan and Art say?

Who will talk shit?

Who will recognize all my efforts, my art?

What will the ex-wife think?

Where should I be buried? 

Does it even matter?

I have been forcing myself to lock up these earducts ever since that fight with Gracel, seeing Guillermo struggling for his life, and feeling guilty for counting the money I am paying for my pet's vet bills.

I thought I found a way out but I am nowhere near redemption. 

I have been thinking again of killing myself.