I watch Jesus movies and open the bible app to trigger a sob fest. I do need it when I feel like I am so lonely, I have no direction, and I am going to explode. At least I can rely on faith that someone up there is taking care of me.
Care. I need that.
The alternative would be talking to my kids, but that has a running time of one hour til I became a blabbermouth without anything exciting to say.
I miss what I had with Mary.
The comfort. The solitude.
The boringness of having a plan to stay indoors. To be with someone I can be comfortable with, even showing my imperfections without the worry of being condemned.
I miss being loved wholeheartedly.
I miss being someone worthy to be loved.
Because of this emptiness, I am always secondguessing my identity and legacy.
It has been 4 years and I have not regain my confidence back in who I am and what I offer in art.
I wish I can be better.
I am tired of being a patient.
