3rd breakdown

 I can't even write. 

But I am back here 'cause all I have is a weeping prayer and my anonymity. 

I feel alone. So alone. 

I feel like what I am releasing is the last one. 

I am at my ugliest. My fattest. My impostor syndrome is acting up — I feel like I am faking everything, even my talent. 

It gets tiring. 

This is 2nd breakdown of the night. 

Finally I am not crying much about money but as I have said in my conversation with God a few minutes ago: give me the power to inspire. I am so insecure I am giving out negative energy. I am always on the defense and I hate that. 

I am now in the position to inspire.

Help me Lord. 

I want to die with dignity. I want my children to hear stories of me being the good guy for once. 

I am tired. I am dying. 

I fake it so well, but my spirit is dead. 

I wish I have somebody to just comfort me. It has been a while since I had someone who'll cry with me and understand this burden. 

Now the 3rd.

3 days to 43

 So here it comes again. 

Writing about the blues.

The impostor syndrome of being a songwriter. 

The feeling of losing a family. 

The feeling of failing as a father. 

I should be thankful.

I am now part of the music industry, but in a different level or position.

Dylan is here so I am given a chance to be the fun parent. 

Lord, help me see the light.

Help me find purpose. 

Help me find someone to convince me I deserve to be loved.

Xxx

 Writing direct over here. I rarely do this. 

Need to unplug my mind and let it leak all over this page. 

I am weeping hard with no reason. 

Guess i am tired of it all.

I should be happy. 

I just wrote a song. I submitted an edited manuscript. I still have 2 thousand in my account. Salary from the raket is coming in soon. Had a phonecall with dylan where ai was teasing her of possible accomodation finds for her OJT.

Aside from my 3 males cats squabbling a few mins ago, everything is still. Everything is quiet. 

That must be it. No purpose. Just waiting forthe weekend so I can play music and get drunk. 

I feel so unloved and alone.