THE LUCK OF LACK

I cry when I do certain acts of kindness to anyone. I get overwhelmed by the intensity of the act that I can't even pretend to show that it is not a big thing.

Maybe because I am naturally a cruel bitter person.

I have been crying my hearts out every 3am in the morning about nothing. 3 nights in a row. Just this loooming emptiness that I can't figure out. 

Last night, Vishnu stared at me with a seemingly curious but loving expression that I burst out crying.

I am that fractured.

What do I need? 

Whenever i think of therapy, I can't even imagine what to tell the concerned person because I already know the questions and corresponding answers

 so what's the use?

It is the lack of real friendship in my life.

It is the lack of forgiveness in my part for myself.

it is the resentment of not being the best in every situation

and just regretting what I said or did.

It is the shame of my angry outbursts against my loved ones.

it is the lack of creative expression in my art that is making me think I am not as good as I thought I was.

It is the suddent realization that my kids are growing up without me

and the fear that they won't need me in my life.

It is the lack of resources in my arsenal to make Mawhi stay. 

It is the lack of God.

november

This space has been taken for granted.

but you are still my confessional since I don't have any willing ears that
won't judge my sorry self.

I still feel trapped. For not having enough to solve all these contraints.
Wish a genie would magically appear and pay for my annullment case.
Wish a genie can point these dimwitted congressmen and senators to the realization
that we need the divorce bill.
Wish I can go back to certain scenes in my life to correct everything.
Wish I have the right words, the right reactions...

Wish I can be better.

Narcissistic prick.

Every time I complain, I charge it to being one. It is unfair
because my mind is my sole enemy. I can't even be honest with what I feel

to myself.

It is ok to feel this way - I need to convince myself. 

It is ok to admit that I am not ok. 

Lately I have been thinking about what legacy I am leaving to my kids.
To the world. My parents are getting old.

I AM GETTING OLD.

everything is fleeting.

I am sure there will be testimonials about being a wasted talent when I die, but I'll just be another status post.
a statistic. 

But do they really know me?

Do they even bother to know me? 

All I really need is a friend.

All I need...