Iriga 2022

 5 a.m.

Woke up after less than 2 hours of sleep because of a suicide dream.

Kids are on the top bed in my old room in iriga. I lie in my thin solo bed on the floor.

Had a milo and ful medammes with bread.

Cried over a prayer through a Bible app.

I am trying to be conscious and be more present with my kids. I haven't been messaging anyone, even ignoring long convos with friends.

 I notice that I am now a little off...not used to touchiness, which I need to initiate. The kids need hugs. I need hugs. 

I also need to talk to Art more than just laugh over silly jokes (but I hope those laughters will create fond memories).

I hope Dylan also feel that I care a lot about her thoughts even if I playfully debate her over imagined or exagerrated scenarios.

I want to be happy. 

Hope I am doing the right thing.

I want to be remembered 

not only for songs, 

but for little moments of joy. 

Falling Out of Grace

 This is what having a relationship with a narcissist feels like:

You are left wanting. You adjust to her own time. You can't really move because without her even saying it, all action is upon her approval.

She makes you believe that the "secret world" you created with her is better than reality— making you feel like the toxicity is part of the deal. She makes sure noone will hear your cries for help—as nobody knows.

You convince yourself that despite all clues pointing to her lies and infidelity, and she can't even give you a proper excuse, you'll hold on. You defy reason. 

She'll bombard you with sweet gestures. She'll clutch her nails on you. She'll disguised obsession with love. Your addiction is her drug. 

She'll keep you guessing, as you swing with her moods. Everything is a push-pull catastrophe.

She is the criteria you need to please. She is the only standard that is all-knowing and right. 

She'll push you to your worst, so there'll be evidence that she might be innocent. But oh, innocence is the farthest thing from her. She knows what she is capable of.

And lastly, she'll justify with pride that she can't be hurt and that you put yourself in that position. She will deny gaslighting you. She will deny your existence. She will make you the villain.

Good Place

Had my first therapy session today. It didn't help the way I was hoping to. The therapist talked a lot, trying to relate to what an artist is going through and missing the big picture. I guess I should deal with this on my own.

 Took a lot for me to book a session. The first one canceled because of a technical difficulty, without even considering the courage I have to muster just to be there.

I feel ugly and inadequate. 94 kgs and can't find the determination to lose more. I need to go down to 70kgs to be healthy. Not to mention, I am losing a lot of hair. Scares me.

I found that coffee is the only thing I look forward to every day. I don't know if that is a sad thing.

I have gigs lined up, but that is me trying to push myself. I haven't done 2 sets for years and doing it alone in front of a mainstream night market crowd is scary. Let's see.

I'm going to Baler this weekend to play without my friends tagging along. Hoping to meet strangers that can inspire me.