41

 2nd cup of black coffee with condensed milk.

Suddenly placed on the night shift on the eve of my birthday.

I am 41.

I am not afraid of age. I may feel unloveable now, but I have this innate confidence that I look way better than most guys my age. But if I can lose this hump of a belly, I’ll be way better than those in their 30s.

Cringeworthy? I am sorry, but it is true.

Having a good job with cars and extra money is another story; that’s where I always lose.

I never understood why I felt so unspecial, especially on my birthday.

I know it has something to do with my parents, but I am already 41, and I still feel that no one really cares about my existence.

Being a type 4 with a double Pisces sign is a bad combo- you crave attention and uniqueness.

I thought I had both. Guess it is all in my head.

My daughter was here this weekend. Helped me get through the days. I always wonder if she loves me just because it is required. How about my youngest – does she think about me or want to brag that her parents are artists? I know I am demanding and reading too much of their actions. They’re teenagers, for God’s sake.

But I don’t want them to feel what I feel about my parents.

Even though I am separated from the wife, I know I have been more open and communicative with them than with my parents. 

At least I’m trying. 

Cause I love them. They dont know that I still crash and cry after I scold them.  I hope they can feel me trying.

Where the fuck is contentment and peace?