You know you are traumatized when you are worried to express yourself fully here. This has been a journal where I can ramble and let my negativity go wild without anyone calling me a sad boi.
I am sad.
Saw my kid cry over someone who was diagnosed with cancer. I felt bad that all I can think about is she didn't cry when I was confined for a mild stroke. Is it reality or impostor syndrome that I am not really as important to my children as I think I am? Shouldn't go down this rabbit hole. Shouldn't. I can't afford to. Scary.
I am broke.
Kid needs impacted tooth surgery money. Need to send the monthly allowance. I owe a couple of friends money. Record collection is getting thinner as I am selling them one by one- in pain. I have a number of debts I need to settle with the ex-wife. Bills that kept piling up.
It is not that I am not trying. I am actually. Hard. Life is just hard. And even if I earn 30k a month, turns out it is not enough to pay for my bills and settle my responsibilities.
One will argue I chose this life. Well I didn't. But it happened and I accepted it. You may say that is the bare minimum but nope. It is a heavy load.
An acquaintance just bought a new guitar just because she likes the color and I am bummed out. Where does she get the money? Not even working, for God's sake. These privileged kids can afford to focus on music 100% even without talent and that makes me sad and frustrated.
I know I'm just spewing projectiles here but let me. I am negative and I am going insane.
I just hope people will quote my songs and cry in my funeral. I know I wouldn't know but I believe in the idea of "soul." So probably I'll know.
It is my birthday month.
Just want to get away, treat myself to good food, watch a lot of gigs, get crazy and fuck around, go record shopping and maybe change my wardrobe. But NO.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO.
