Sob Fest 2024

 I watch Jesus movies and open the bible app to trigger a sob fest. I do need it when I feel like I am so lonely, I have no direction, and I am going to explode. At least I can rely on faith that someone up there is taking care of me.

Care. I need that.

The alternative would be talking to my kids, but that has a running time of one hour til I became a blabbermouth without anything exciting to say. 

I miss what I had with Mary. 

The comfort. The solitude. 

The boringness of having a plan to stay indoors. To be with someone I can be comfortable with, even showing my imperfections without the worry of being condemned.

I miss being loved wholeheartedly. 

I miss being someone worthy to be loved.

Because of this emptiness, I am always secondguessing my identity and legacy. 

It has been 4 years and I have not regain my confidence back in who I am and what I offer in art. 

I wish I can be better.

I am tired of being a patient.

Redemption?

 Thinking of killing myself again. 

Think about it: a narcissistic man killing himself out of spite for himself.

I am crying at my own imaginary funeral.

Who will miss me? 

Who will take care of my cats?

What will Dylan and Art say?

Who will talk shit?

Who will recognize all my efforts, my art?

What will the ex-wife think?

Where should I be buried? 

Does it even matter?

I have been forcing myself to lock up these earducts ever since that fight with Gracel, seeing Guillermo struggling for his life, and feeling guilty for counting the money I am paying for my pet's vet bills.

I thought I found a wAy out but I am nowhere near redemption. 

I have been thinking again of killing myself.