.....!

Saturday is
was
ok
at first.

No special occasion.
Did some errands.
Preparing for my travel
to Bicol.

Numb.
Yes that's what it is.

And I worry
that this feeling of limbo
feeling
dead
is the closest thing
to
peace

But
I'll take it.
Anything.

Then I got triggered
by a certain episode
about dating
from a dumb Netflix sitcom.

Then I watched
that spoken word performance
of the dad talking bout
the rules of dating his daughter

Then I found myself
HERE
which was supposed to be a safe place.

Saw a post where I thanked God
for Mawhi
because she's the only person
who can stand me.

Where is she now?

Can I just go back to numb?
I am pathetic.

....

The mindboggling contradiction
of leaning to your Christian faith
then listening to your single friends
who claim to know what love is about

Smoke screen.

2:27 AM

And I am hoping
that clips of your face
won't keep replaying
in my head

God bless dumb sitcoms

A friend casually drop "labyu"

Got teary-eyed

Square one.

Lost.

Hoping to be found.

...

I am breaking down more than usual.

What do you do when you have been trying to be a better person
but she can only see you from what you were: a trigger.

I know I've changed. Damn I know I did.

People may scoff against the idea of leaning to Christian faith
in times of need,
but I have been praying. a lot.
It helps.
I mean who else can ever have the patience
to listen to my litany in this season
where everyone has their own battles to face.

I always thought that I was faking this sudden move to impress her

but I have caught myself kneeling down so many times
weeping, calling out His name, without an audience.
It gives me comfort. Enough to get me through the day.
Before I crash again.

Oh Lord.

Oh what I can give for a little peace of mind.
For a little joy.

Back to square one.

I wept like someone died
when a friend told me about getting closure
from an old flame today.
I cried for his win.
I cried in envy.
I cried for what I've lost.
I've cried for doing my best
For 2months
and in just a day,
I was erased.
I cried because I know
I have changed.

I honestly don't know now what is real.

I have to pour out everything here
'cause I can't contain it much longer.

Blogspot has long been dead.
Perfect for an anonymous cry for help.

I pray to be better. Please.