Sunday is a friend.

Encountering former students who already graduated from college lead me to introspecting certain choices I made in my life. I wonder if with the technology we have today, everything in their lives are like a fast paced download – no buffering, no converting needed. I tend to lean to conservatism and play the “experience is still the best resume” part, but I don’t know. Everything can be bought now, and learned. It’s like you can’t be extra special since everyone can learn your skill in the internet. “We are the same, you and I” is getting scarier year by year. Uniqueness is becoming a passing trend.

It also made me think of how much I miss working in a school setting. I have always loved being part of that small community which nourishes young scrawny minds to sprout beautifully from obscurity. I just have to give it up since I got sick of the measly salary and my marriage broke down. I was in search for some fresh air, and I found it in Manila. That’s a very contradictory statement but let’s leave it at that. 

Anyway, I want to go back because I know I am good with relating with young people. As much as I want to teach, I can’t because I need a MA degree diploma. And that degree is temporarily put on hold for the nth time. I am having trouble focusing with all the priorities lining up. Now. I have a collection of subjects with incomplete requirements. It seems my time management skills are failing. Worse, PUP (my graduate school) has a 5-year “finish your course or f**k off” policy and that scares me since I have like a year to make my life as shiny and bright as those artificial lights wrapped around the trees in the Ayala Triangle.

I have been thinking of old age. Music does revitalize youth, and gives you that sense of being part of whatever generation. But I am currently on the quarter life crisis (yes, I am faaaar from mid-life) where I ask existential questions, and music isn’t giving me that numbing satisfaction to black this all out. I do know that I want to teach and play music for the rest of my life. I also want to own a house with a cool music room where I can conduct my own symphony of madness. I want to own a Vespa, and maybe manage a Mediterranean cuisine restaurant. These are all plausible. But money is an object you can’t abracadabra over and that’s the main ingredient to be able to achieve all of these possibilities. It sometimes feels like I am earning money to just pay for my responsibilities which makes me not enjoy the simple things. I want everything fast paced too. There, that’s me contradicting my first philosophical stand in the first paragraph.

It has been a while since I found myself an inspiration that pushes me to my potential, but I worry that it will crumble too. I want security but I don’t trust that there is such thing since everything in the world is a product of change. And that makes me unfair to everyone around me. That is something I am working on. I worry too much.

I am writing now at past 7 in the morning on a Sunday. Yes, I am working on getting my brain emptied from the lashes of all the morning afters I have collected for the past years, and I don’t know if it’s working.

There will be more Sundays to find that out.