Pre-32 Hot Choco-fuelled Introspections

I find it really fascinating that life nowadays changes in a blink. No exaggeration there. It’s already the 3^rd month of the year, a few days to my 32^nd birthday and it’s 2014 for God’s sake! Twenty-Fourteen!

Do you remember during the early 90’s where we can only imagine 2020 as like the year of jet packs and robot butlers and silver-cased flying vehicles? It didn’t turn out the way it was envisioned but we are getting there. And man, that’s like 6 years away. How soon can it get?

I feel refreshed.

Must be the hot choco cup that I downed in one gulp that’s causing this hysteria in my nerves, but it is just boosting what I am really feeling.

I am turning 32 in approximately 13 days.

In spite of all the ribbing of good friends, I really can’t be worried about getting old because I really don’t feel old. I like to think I have my best days ahead of me. Life may not be perfect, but I am learning to tame those negative thoughts. Everyone deserves to be happy, I heard myself telling somebody.

Yes, Ahmad. That includes you.

Some changes are needed in facing reality, because in all relationships, you can’t be forever lenient. That includes my relationship with life.

Here are a few things I kept thinking about lately:

• I need to exercise more. 

Health doesn’t usually agree with our philosophy that everything comes down to a sunny disposition. The mind is powerful, but it can only do so much.

More push ups. Brown rice. Minimal fast food diet, if not nil. Fruits, more fruits.

• I need to invest on my guitar gear.

This may sound like a want., but you can’t be a serious musician if you are not really revving up your own signature sound. 

Main target gear: MXR Carbon Copy + Visual Sound Double Trouble + Korg Pitch Black + Zoom G3.

I only got the Zoom G3 for now. I hope to own the Double Trouble before our recording this end of the month. A birthday wish that is destined to be an impossible one. Boohoo.

And oh maybe another guitar. Still dreaming of my own Epiphone ES-339, and a Squier Tele Custom, but not rushing it. I still have Areola, and Nami.

I need more guitar lessons too. Just watching some tutorials in youtube gives me the rush to write some more. That’s a good thing now for my overly-critical self are hijacking every creative idea I can muster these days.

• I need to save. 

I admit I don’t have any hidden treasure in the bank. But I am not the typical spender who waste every penny of my salary for my hobbies. Everything is cashed out to settle bills and priorities. I am a responsible man. I just need to find my footing. Work harder, grab all rakets so there will be extra. 

I need money for my annulment too. Damn that’s a pretty expensive ordeal. I still find myself praying for a law to be passed that will make it easier for someone like me who have moved on from my past mistake.  

Everyone deserves to be happy. Hope politicians see that as a huge non-debatable point.

• I need to finish my MA.

This has been going on forever. I am not succumbing to the possibility of just letting this go because I feel that my strengths will shine more in the academe. It's actually surreal to be talking about this now since I have just dreamt about teaching last night. That dream is still up for grabs.

• I need to spend more time with my kids. 

They are growing up fast. I talked to them almost every day, but I know it is not enough. Bringing Art here over for her birthday was a dream come true for both of us. It was only for 3 days but it felt like eternity. I know she will cherish what we did for the rest of her life. I am planning to give Dylan that experience too this June. I am excited to be bringing her to her very first concert. Never mind that I am not a fan of Taylor Swift, but on that day, it will be all about her (Scalpers, if you are reading this, contact me). 

The trouble with parenting is there is no concrete formula. It a hit-or-miss thing that you make up the rules as you go. I am honestly defying all concepts by trying to be the best dad even if I am not physically present, but I am determined to win. God help me.

• Lastly, I need to be expressive in the right places.

There used to be strains in my relationship with Mawhi for my outburst. That happened too with my band. I talk too much. I feel too much. I have not tamed that trait as it already become a signature character, but I am learning when to stay put. I am blessed to have people who listens and who doesn’t leave you for dead when you are at your worst.

I realized I am getting cheesier. That will give away my age, I suppose.