Missing Art

 Just got in my transient room 15 minutes ago. Was with my kids in this tribute gig for The Strokes and Arctic Monkeys. 

Music. That is what will make young. That is one connection with my kids. Their mom may be a painter and now more popular, but I hope they know that the restless spirit to express comes from me. I hope they know. I hope they are thankful.

I feel Art getting farther from me. But I am taming my reactions as it may be just an aftershock of puberty. I just miss her clinginess.

Her little body trying to guard the gate so I won't leave for Manila.

Her choosing to join me in hotel accooms to sleep beside me during getaways and gigs. 

Her not wanting to put my forgotten shirt in the laundry because she misses and loves my scent. 

Now I feel like I am trying hard to earn a spot on her life. 

I just hope she can see the value I place in fatherhood. 

I know I am away. I know I am far. Just want to feel that my kids can feel proud of what I offer as a person and as a father. 

I hope. 

On a Bus to Manila

 I notice I am still afraid to be alone with my thoughts. 

Now that I am in a bus, I feel vulnerable. Nowhere to go. Numbing my fear with stand-up specials. What if my CP's battery gets drained? I feel like crying. 

That narcissist really did a number on me.

 Worst part is I let her. I know I have nothing to gain. Can't really be free. Still alone. Can't even brag about her or I'll look like a fool. Nowhere to go. Yet I stayed, just in hope that we will recapture the spark. 

I feel like I grew older by like 10 years instead of 3. And though I have the confidence, I admit fearing that I will never be happy with someone for the rest of my life.