Evidence-based

 It gets complicated when all they see are photos to convince the "friends" list of your imaginary happy life. And I also have an imaginary girlfriend who disappears whenever she wants to without a care of my feelings. So much for evidence-based love.

And sometimes it is hard to lie. My body has been telling me that by giving me all the shit to bother me like obesity and insomnia.

***

I have been taking benadryl almost every week to sleep. 

***

Worried about being a good father. Trying my best. Feeling bitter that I am not always available because I don't have a home in legazpi and I can't afford to always go home. I hope Dylan and Art feel my struggle and see my sacrifices. I constantly think about this. 

***

I always worry that I'll die before I can even record all the best songs I have. 

<But what best songs? People don't even read your lyrics. They still think you are an old grumpy fraud.>

***

I am glad that the songwriting session with the band turned out well. We didn't discuss goals but still, a good start. That has been bothering for weeks. Felt like I've gone through a breakup. But I've learned way enough to not rely on the good times.

So yes, I need to form another band so I won't be held back. Lots of materials. My death clock is ticking.

Mad Tangerine?

Tanjirine?

Between Tangerine?

***

The benadryl is kicking in. Hope it will promise me good dreams.

FEB 25 2021

 Saw this post today and wondered how I didn't get to post this. 

---------------‐-------------------------‐---‐----------------‐---

I've been practicing forgiviness

for things worth forgetting,

And I am failing most of the time.

These triggers, when it is pushed into you like a noose on your neck, they paralyze your soul. And the funny thing is I am highly functional for anyone to suspect that there is a deep dark void that consumes me every other day. 

See what I did there? 

I am even ashamed to admit the routinary hell I have been in.

I am getting better. I like to think so.

I have been trying to live on my own and accept my self worth more. The trick is not taking everything seriously.

Yes it is a trick. I am tricking myself. I am reminding myself now it is a trick.

Be functional, Ahmad.

You are doing fine.

You are worth loving.

You will be ok. 

Lost / Loss / Lose

 When you think you found an ounce of happiness enough to carry you for the rest of 2020 but it became another departure story.

I can't imagine being inflicted with two heartbreaks in one year and yet here I am.

Sometimes I ask if I am married to the blues.

If I am doomed to be alone.

Still I need to be thankful of this plot twist. I could have gone mad. Worth it. Still is. 

I was about to lose it.

I was seriously numb and hopeless.

Twist. 

But I am lost. Again. At loss.

I have been losing all my life. 

Hold on, Ahmad. 

Hold on to your dear sanity. 

T I R E D

Relapsing with cries of help

4 days in a row

And I thought I was getting better 

The knife just became an attractive option

And does anybody hear me?

I kept reading the online Bible

seeking any kind of clarity

And it seems I am also condemned 

As I still feel alone

When will this burden ends?

I am tired.

A pat at the back

For fooling everyone that I have been

doing well 

Guess I am getting worse 

Then again who cares?

The point I am here again

Just answered my question. 

I am tired.

On my way to Manila

 Thousand feet up in the air, sobbing like a kid over a quote from a movie I never saw.

"...Just one moment with me."

I'll die for a moment of clarity.

I'll die for a moment of peace.

Thousand feet up in the air and I am vulnerable. Closer to heaven. Far from a home I even don't know where.

.....!

Saturday is
was
ok
at first.

No special occasion.
Did some errands.
Preparing for my travel
to Bicol.

Numb.
Yes that's what it is.

And I worry
that this feeling of limbo
feeling
dead
is the closest thing
to
peace

But
I'll take it.
Anything.

Then I got triggered
by a certain episode
about dating
from a dumb Netflix sitcom.

Then I watched
that spoken word performance
of the dad talking bout
the rules of dating his daughter

Then I found myself
HERE
which was supposed to be a safe place.

Saw a post where I thanked God
for Mawhi
because she's the only person
who can stand me.

Where is she now?

Can I just go back to numb?
I am pathetic.

....

The mindboggling contradiction
of leaning to your Christian faith
then listening to your single friends
who claim to know what love is about

Smoke screen.

2:27 AM

And I am hoping
that clips of your face
won't keep replaying
in my head

God bless dumb sitcoms

A friend casually drop "labyu"

Got teary-eyed

Square one.

Lost.

Hoping to be found.