Losing my kids. Losing myself.

 I fear of losing my part of being a father.

I fear the memory of me in their minds slipping away.

I am just a holiday fixture. Another endorphin rush.

And to think that I am convinced that this is the only job I am doing right. Why do I feel like a fraud?

I really hope I am just imagining things, but I hope they still can see the value of us staying together once in a while.

I appreciate tbe mundane things. 

A story post. A surprise photo. A proud note.

Never felt that coming from my kids lately. I know I should let them be, but I have noone else to remind them how these things are important.

They don't know how I am breaking down in a transient home somewhere in alternate road alone, thinking that they would consider guy more special to them than me. 

I worry. I worry. 

My God, I am crying and worrying. I don't want to lose my only role in their lives.

I hope this changes when we come home to Iriga. 

IN THE END

 I hope when I die and all the stupid bad stuff comes out of me being narcissistic or selfish or aggressive or depressive or simply a bad person, I pray that my daughters will be wise enough to accept my imperfections and not let that define my legacy and the memories I have with them as a father.

May Art and Dylan not lean on any gray area because they know, in their hearts, that though their father is far from the ideal son or citizen or lover or even friend, he has done everything to be a good father — and that is enough.

I hope that they will understand that I was brought up in a trauma-bearing multicultural home with an absentee immature mom and a a patriarchal-thinking dad. Not that I am blaming my parents — it is what it is. They did their best. But I always wonder about the what-ifs.

I became so sensitive and angry and envious that I am what I am. I always needed validation.  I remember telling Dylan one time about my "pagtatampo" of her being not proud of me. Cringey. But I dont believe that parents shouldn't show weaknesses. I just don't know if showing vulnerability did any good to our relationship.

 Sometimes I wonder if being open was the right thing. But I know no other way.

I did my best when it comes to being a father. Yes, not economically. Yes, not distance-wise. I hope they still see all my efforts; how I am affected easily when it comes to them, my kids.

I hope they will defend my memory. Because nobody ever does. And nobody will. 

I love them both so much — art and dylan.

Both so different, both so unique.

Both came out from my flesh. I can see big pieces of myself in both of them. 

Dylan may be anxious (as I am) than the typical kid but she is naturally a kindhearted girl. She is born to lead. She adds magic to anything she touches. She knows what she wants. May she trust her instincts always and stand up for what she believes in, and avoid the pitfalls of pleasing anyone but herself - and her loved ones.

Art may be rowdy and hardheaded (as I am) but her search for uniqueness, her voice this early is astounding. She may crave attention, but I hope she realizes that she doesn't need it because her presence commands it without effort. Her lightheartedness can turn a dark room bright. May she learn to slow down and focus on her gifts and not take it for granted. May she have the fire to learn and learn more and not let ego get in the way.

I am sorry I wasn't that around and telephone calls can't ever replace the real thing. I try. 

Not enough, but I tried.

I love you.

***These letters are not addressed to anyone. But I hope it finds its ways to my kids when time is right.***

more than words

 Had an epiphany one weekend ago.

What makes me different as a lyricist is my love for words. Sure, songwriters will claim the same thing, but not as much as I do. 

I enjoy phrases and words used in movies. I get giddy over properly placed figures of speech. I don't care if it is too british or not used in the vernacular; if it sounded great, it will find its way to one of my songs.

This is also a curse. 

That is why people can't sing along easily. It is not as if these are deep jargons noone would understand. Listeners who claims to be music lovers do not like dissecting. They want words to be easily digestible. Think Lang Leav. Why is she more quoted than the witty lines of Frank O Hara? EXACTLY.

I helped Art rewrite her song last night. 

I find it cute that she is trying to find her voice. And somehow, now, she is listening to his geeky old man babble about the importante of a rhyme or why repetitive words in the same verse is a no-no, unless for and only for emphasis. 

I treasure times like these. 

These are a few of the instances I know I am doing well as a father — that I am needed.

Half-Year Report

 I wrote a song yesterday.

But it was an old song that I forgot that lyrics. It got a better chorus though. Can imagine it having a Jens Lekman vibe. I wonder if anyone would dig that. I am being genuine with my love for words, but not everyone reads.

Sent it to a lot of people. Needing validation. When will I realize I am good?

Am I though?

I miss dylan and art.

Two very different personalities. 

I love how I am so much like Dylan in the anxious-sentimental type who is into good movies and pop culture. 

Art craves attention and doesnt care if what ever she does is perfect — she just wants to perform and express her uniqueness. 

Both like me.

How fascinated I am how these angels came out from my own DNA.

I miss watching movies with my kids. I mean we still do but sometimes I feel that I am forcing them to watch me. I know they like my selection, but they wont be 100% focus.

Maybe I just miss having a real girlfriend who I can totally geek with.

Speaking, where is she?

I am feeling lonely back here.

Been having breakdowns again. Crashing. Remedying it by reading the bible. It helps a little.

That London girl is hurting me a lot. I know there is no good end in sight but why do I stay? That's how battered my self worth is. It is toxic and yet I hope it will get better.

Not that I am saying I am perfect. 

I am narcississtic too. But I feel that I am being fooled shamelessly. And being the hopeless romantic that I am, I keep waiting. I keep staying...WHY WHY WHY

another boohoo post

I notice I need a couple of Seinfeld episodes to calm my nerves down and rock my brain to sleep.

I notice I am still not comfortable sleeping over. I get suffocated even just thinking about it. Even when I visit friends and there is chance to just stay, I would find myself panicking inside. 

I realized I am not over the trauma caused by Mawhi. 

No I dont want to get back with her — as if that's possible. But I get this big wave of jealousy that she got over me quick and found a safe space with another guy. I refuse to acknowledge that that guy is better pffft. It just another mistake waiting to happen.

But I guess that feeling of being contented with the imperfections of it all - that what this envy is for. And I admit it - I was the loser in that relationship.

I miss just having plans of staying over and doing nothing but a movie. Then wild sex. Then sleep. Then looking forward to another breakfast with good coffee. Then another movie. Or playing guitar with her doing her stuff. Then cunningulus.

It is just plain boredom in wes anderson hue. I miss having someone to go home to.

And though I have been trying to connect with someone, the uncertainty of that future just kills the vibe. 

It is just sad to be alone. 

Unload

 I am freeing my mind from the clutter by going directly to this blank page without a draft.

Am I really still happy with her?

I am affected 

but I also know I should stand by what is right. And what makes it difficult is the existing hurt she inflicted to me that can't be erased. I miss her face. I miss our talks. I miss when we play and talk sex. But is it all worth the drama and hurt?

I hope I am getting through Art and Dylan. Been trying hard to leave nuggets of wisdom so when I die, there'll be enough quotable quotes that I hope they'll use. Thinking bout it, I don't have any from my parents. 

God, please make me more affecting and inspirational to my kids. PLEASE.

Benadryl did not work last night.

IN OTHER NEWS

I feel my bandmates are laughing at me for being so serious about my craft and it depresses me. 

WE ARE IMAGINARY can't move without me. Everyone knows that, but they can't seem to appreciate the sacrifices I do with this band. I really need to focus at myself. 

I pray for new bandmates who can match my drive. Who believe in my vision. Who just love to play. Please.

Loneliness. Poverty. 

I hope someone will go to great lengths raising money for my treatment when I am ill, just like what people are doing back home for Peewee and here for Gab of Parokya. I am scared that noone will care.

Realized if I have a stroke right now or even a heart attack, nobody will check on me for days. The scent of decay will be my late cry for help. 

And here I am trying to be there for everybody.

41

 2nd cup of black coffee with condensed milk.

Suddenly placed on the night shift on the eve of my birthday.

I am 41.

I am not afraid of age. I may feel unloveable now, but I have this innate confidence that I look way better than most guys my age. But if I can lose this hump of a belly, I’ll be way better than those in their 30s.

Cringeworthy? I am sorry, but it is true.

Having a good job with cars and extra money is another story; that’s where I always lose.

I never understood why I felt so unspecial, especially on my birthday.

I know it has something to do with my parents, but I am already 41, and I still feel that no one really cares about my existence.

Being a type 4 with a double Pisces sign is a bad combo- you crave attention and uniqueness.

I thought I had both. Guess it is all in my head.

My daughter was here this weekend. Helped me get through the days. I always wonder if she loves me just because it is required. How about my youngest – does she think about me or want to brag that her parents are artists? I know I am demanding and reading too much of their actions. They’re teenagers, for God’s sake.

But I don’t want them to feel what I feel about my parents.

Even though I am separated from the wife, I know I have been more open and communicative with them than with my parents. 

At least I’m trying. 

Cause I love them. They dont know that I still crash and cry after I scold them.  I hope they can feel me trying.

Where the fuck is contentment and peace?

 

Hello March 2023

 You know you are traumatized when you are worried to express yourself fully here. This has been a journal where I can ramble and let my negativity go wild without anyone calling me a sad boi.

I am sad.

Saw my kid cry over someone who was diagnosed with cancer. I felt bad that all I can think about is she didn't cry when I was confined for a mild stroke. 

Is it reality or impostor syndrome that I am not really as important to my children as I think I am? Shouldn't go down this rabbit hole. Shouldn't. I can't afford to. Scary.

I am broke. 

Kid needs impacted tooth surgery money. Need to send the monthly allowance. I owe a couple of friends money. Record collection is getting thinner as I am selling them one by one- in pain. I have a number of debts I need to settle with the ex-wife. Bills that kept piling up.

It is not that I am not trying. I am actually. Hard. Life is just hard. And even if I earn 30k a month, turns out it is not enough to pay for my bills and settle my responsibilities. 

One will argue I chose this life. Well I didn't. But it happened and I accepted it. You may say that is the bare minimum but nope. It is a heavy load. 

An acquaintance just bought a new guitar just because she likes the color and I am bummed out. Where does she get the money? Not even working, for God's sake. These privileged kids can afford to focus on music 100% even without talent and that makes me sad and frustrated.

I know I'm just spewing projectiles here but let me. I am negative and I am going insane.

I just hope people will quote my songs and cry in my funeral. I know I wouldn't know but I believe in the idea of "soul." So probably I'll know. 

But do they even like or stream my songs? That is another problem.

It is my birthday month. 

Just want to get away, treat myself to good food, watch a lot of gigs, get crazy and fuck around, go record shopping and maybe change my wardrobe. But NO. 

I CAN'T AFFORD TO.