Captive Audience

 My mommy cat Rangu has been extra clingy. She's always hanging out beside me or leaning on my right shoulder. I wonder what it feels like to have someone warm to be in her place. I can sleep around, but I know the difference of real human company.

Cried twice today. Did not wail. Just teary-eyed over a sermon from Elevation Church, and now, the decision to take another benadryl pill just to sleep. 

I crave for peace of mind, but I am quite convinced that it will take this lifetime to even feel that. My mind gets scrambled just thinking of the possibility — and this is not even an exaggeration.

I have been jealous of the success of others.

I have been envious of the warmth of friends who are always available.

I have been angry over people who easily earns money and are born to privileged homes.

I have been depressed over the fact that I have nothing --- all just fleeting hints of possible joy.

I was never depressed about turning 40. I am quite confident actually that I look good in this age. I have been receiving genuine awe that I don't look my age and I cling to those compliments because those are all I have.

And my cats.

Sugar for a Pill

 I found that hanging out with musicians somehow takes away the loneliness. Though I still doubt their intentions of even keeping me company, it is better than nothing.

2nd day of the Shoegaze Festival.

Someone mentioned Washington Drama Club. Got jealous of performers tonight. I do want their applause. I do deserve a captive audience — at least a chance to let them listen.

The problem is like fireflies, I can't capture the burst of creative ideas and put them in a jar. Just one angkas ride away and puff, it is all dead and gone.

I should read more, but I have trouble even finishing netflix series that I resort to rewatching Seinfeld to calm my anxious mind. Boy, that guy is getting richer by my streams.

4:51 am and two malings later, I am writing this in hope that I can sleep without any lonely thought floating across my tired brain.

Soon enough, that benadryl pill will work its magic. 

I need money. I can't seem to have enough to buy happiness.

Hopeless Case

Nov. 25, 2022

7:44 a.m.

How much more can I take?

I just learned about imposter syndrome and maybe that's what I am going through. 

Yes I am not sure because even classifying under a recognizable disorder, I feel I am not worthy.

Validation shouldn't be expected from others but we are built that way so I learned to accept that as social beings, everything is left to judgement of the world.

I just want to feel I belong.

I just want to feel loved.

I just want to feel that I affect and inspire people more than I assume in my head.

Fuck nobody even cares about what my music is about, and we have a lot of thrash getting the attention they don't deserve.

I kept finding myself in this cycle and not by lack of trying to get out — there is a sense of acceptance that to finally be happy and be out of financial constraints and be accepted, I need luck. Divine intervention. A sudden magical plottwist.

And that's one hell of a prayer.

Evidence-based

 It gets complicated when all they see are photos to convince the "friends" list of your imaginary happy life. And I also have an imaginary girlfriend who disappears whenever she wants to without a care of my feelings. So much for evidence-based love.

And sometimes it is hard to lie. My body has been telling me that by giving me all the shit to bother me like obesity and insomnia.

***

I have been taking benadryl almost every week to sleep. 

***

Worried about being a good father. Trying my best. Feeling bitter that I am not always available because I don't have a home in legazpi and I can't afford to always go home. I hope Dylan and Art feel my struggle and see my sacrifices. I constantly think about this. 

***

I always worry that I'll die before I can even record all the best songs I have. 

<But what best songs? People don't even read your lyrics. They still think you are an old grumpy fraud.>

***

I am glad that the songwriting session with the band turned out well. We didn't discuss goals but still, a good start. That has been bothering for weeks. Felt like I've gone through a breakup. But I've learned way enough to not rely on the good times.

So yes, I need to form another band so I won't be held back. Lots of materials. My death clock is ticking.

Mad Tangerine?

Tanjirine?

Between Tangerine?

***

The benadryl is kicking in. Hope it will promise me good dreams.

FEB 25 2021

 Saw this post today and wondered how I didn't get to post this. 

---------------‐-------------------------‐---‐----------------‐---

I've been practicing forgiviness

for things worth forgetting,

And I am failing most of the time.

These triggers, when it is pushed into you like a noose on your neck, they paralyze your soul. And the funny thing is I am highly functional for anyone to suspect that there is a deep dark void that consumes me every other day. 

See what I did there? 

I am even ashamed to admit the routinary hell I have been in.

I am getting better. I like to think so.

I have been trying to live on my own and accept my self worth more. The trick is not taking everything seriously.

Yes it is a trick. I am tricking myself. I am reminding myself now it is a trick.

Be functional, Ahmad.

You are doing fine.

You are worth loving.

You will be ok. 

Lost / Loss / Lose

 When you think you found an ounce of happiness enough to carry you for the rest of 2020 but it became another departure story.

I can't imagine being inflicted with two heartbreaks in one year and yet here I am.

Sometimes I ask if I am married to the blues.

If I am doomed to be alone.

Still I need to be thankful of this plot twist. I could have gone mad. Worth it. Still is. 

I was about to lose it.

I was seriously numb and hopeless.

Twist. 

But I am lost. Again. At loss.

I have been losing all my life. 

Hold on, Ahmad. 

Hold on to your dear sanity. 

T I R E D

Relapsing with cries of help

4 days in a row

And I thought I was getting better 

The knife just became an attractive option

And does anybody hear me?

I kept reading the online Bible

seeking any kind of clarity

And it seems I am also condemned 

As I still feel alone

When will this burden ends?

I am tired.

A pat at the back

For fooling everyone that I have been

doing well 

Guess I am getting worse 

Then again who cares?

The point I am here again

Just answered my question. 

I am tired.